‘Only a wounded physician can hope to heal’
Only a wounded physician can hope to heal.— Carl Jung.
The seed was sown in Utah April 2019, and now perhaps, I can see that seed growing into a sprout. When it comes to feeling and reflecting on pain, it cracks like a seed, and suddenly it is out of seed jacket. But once it is cracked, you don’t have any control, you just have to watch and see where it takes/guides you. Losing control is the best drug prescribed by the spiritual and self-help community. So follow its guidance and you won’t go astray
In April 2019, I attended the Completion Process Certified Practitioners training and after that life has never been the same. I have this intuitive feeling that something happened to me and it turned me (up) open to feeling feelings, especially pain and grief, that I was suppressing deep in my brain’s uncharted dungeon, don’t know since how long. But my gut says that I used to intelligently cope with numbing out pain and grief throughout my youth and adult life. Giving myself the message that there is no pain and hence not feeling it is the best possible way to bypass it.
But my conscious mind wasn’t aware that the emotional bypass is about to crumble. The intelligent strategy serving me for decades will no longer be able to hold its root within me.
It all started when all the participants were having a photo session with Teal. It was a lovely afternoon, the cool breeze and warmth of sunshine on skin was utterly soothing. Everyone was excited and bubbling with energy, however, I could sense the hint of melancholy and nostalgia was creeping in from the backdoor as the moment to departure was not that far.
Teal was writing personalized messages through energetic readings of us on the copies of books presented to her. The best moment for me was when I was finally able to hug her and feel her presence for the first time. She wrote on my copy of Completion Process book: ‘help the people you know you are meant to help’. She underlined the word meant.
My heart was bursting with positive energy and was filled with mixed emotions after reading this message. I was finding it difficult to hold space for such an outburst of energy and emotions. I could not believe I was capable enough. I had no background in healing or trauma recovery. But internally, I felt that the universe has chosen me for an important work on this planet, which is healing people’s wounds, I found my life purpose. As I reflect today writing this piece, Teal’s hug and the message was a seed sown within me by the universe – the seed of feeling feelings and helping others to do the same.
But as gold has to go through a rough and wearisome process of sortation, purification, refinement and polish, a healer has to go through the same process. Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, once said before his death that only a wounded physician can hope to heal.
While everybody was busy getting their messages, pictures and hugs with Teal, I heard from a friend that Sky (another friend of mine) has been offered to work with Teal. She had a face to face conversation with him since he is intuitively an excellent facilitator of Completion Process. A part of me was happy for Sky since not only he an excellent facilitator but also a down earth human being. He has this ability to pull your buried emotions out and bring them onto your hands so that you can nurse and validate them.
But at the same time, this news triggered me like hell. I felt a huge inner lack of something, I was feeling being cringed around my solar plexus/pit of my stomach, I wasn’t sure at first place what is happening to me. Now as I reflect back on the situation, I realize I was envious. The inner child within me was yelling ‘why not me, why him’ or/and ‘I want to be loved like this, and nobody else’. My friend Erik nailed this feeling in a video chat while I was explaining what was happening to me.
The wound of lack of love and not being cared for was wide open in front of me and I was reluctant to go into it, see it and feel it. I was curling in pain because of internal resistance. I began to cry like a child. It was deep, I could feel it in my belly. I felt that I was a three-year-old again emotionally. The observer aspect of me was watching all this from above like a light. Another aspect of me was commenting: ‘this is so unlikely. I am seeing this person after a long time’. While the internal evaluator was cringing and covering all what was happening inside: ‘nobody should see me losing my sanity’.
I went into the house and I sat on the sofa. I called Fatima, my wife, and narrated what was going on with me. She validated my emotions. But I could not stop crying. That aspect of me was so inconsolable. There were many people sitting around me. The internal evaluator tried again to alter me: ‘look people are sitting you have to be control’. But this time, I asked him to stay with me and let it happen because it is healing and there is nothing to worry about. They all are going through similar situation. As we say in Urdu, my local language, ‘everyone is naked in the bath’.
What happened next was totally surprising. But at the same time the aspect of me which was heartbroken knew it would happen. I don’t know whether you can discern this situation that I am describing.
While I was about to finish my call with Fatima, I sensed Teal was having a conversation with my friend Erik. He was sitting on a chair couple of feets away from the sofa where I was sitting.
When I hung up the phone, Teal approached me and sat on her knees in front me and said ‘what is happening with you’. She held my hand and rolled her fingers around my wrist. It felt like checking my pulse. Initially, I wobbled and couldn’t hold my breath. I was barely able to recognize for a while what was happening. I quickly offered her to sit by my side but she said it was ok and she continued asking me the question.
In our cultural tradition (Indian and Pakistan), I have seen only Hakims (traditional healers) holding wrist like this and offering diagnosis. In some cases, since women were not allowed to be touched by Hakims because of cultural norms, I have heard that they used to tie a thin thread around wrist of women. The thread then was used by the Hakims to check their pulses. Hakims are not that popular nowadays in the modern day Pakistan. But still a considerable section of population relies on traditional medicine even today.
I was so tensed and said to her that I was missing something, a lack of something. I was so shy that I did not tell the entire story. She asked about my relationships, especially, with women. I described how I always craved for my mother and did not get the love and affection I needed from her. In addition, my ex-girlfriend dumped me over a fight and never came back. But my wife is supportive and caring.
She asked me whether I remember any related memory. I said I don’t. Then she asked me to consider an example which may help me to trace back the feeling signature. She proposed me to think of a grocery store where I walked in as a child, encountered a woman, and suddenly she walked away. This ‘going way’ may have a lasting effect on me. After giving this example, she proposed that I should only receive a CP session today. She personally paired me up with Sky and he facilitated a wonderful CP session for me.
The entire interaction was so healing and special for me that I will not able to forget it.
My love and affection for Teal incrementally increased over time, not because of her extrasensory abilities. But for who she really is as a person. The pain and suffering she went through at a young age and then breaking out of years of abuse is a constant inspiration for me.
As I am reflecting back, I can only emphasize how important it is to hold space for our own shadows and emotions as healers in making as we embark upon the healing of others.
Becoming CPCP is not a license to heal others. But it is a commitment towards diving deep into our own shadows and emotions so as to understand and feel others; and to mirror back their truth as is, without being politically correct. The road to healing begins with healing our own wounds side by side as we help others heal. Taking advantage of the universal law of mirroring/attraction, when we integrate, we cannot live without helping others integrate.